Be Curious, Not Judgmental – Thoughts on Curiosity
If you’re a close friend of mine and have had extended conversations with me in the past couple of years, there’s a fairly good chance I’ve brought up one of my newest favorite TV shows – Ted Lasso. For those who’ve seen it, if you know you know. I’ll put it this way, I’ve yet to meet anyone who’s seen it that hasn’t been a fan. The show champions wonderful themes like fairness, integrity and, of course my favorite, addressing the stigma and importance of good mental health. All of this is wrapped into wonderfully witty comedy and the time honored tradition of cheering for the underdog. Despite its wit and the simplicity in which some themes are addressed, I’m always taken aback at how the episodes stay with me.
In what is the best scene of the show so far in my opinion, the lead character, Ted, faces off with a rival in a game of darts. I should mention the show takes place in England, you don’t see many scores settled in America through darts. Ted seemingly is new to the game and feigns the ignorance of a novice poorly matched against his rival, who is quite skilled. The rival, in an attempt to embarrass Ted and his counterpart, lures Ted into a bet that not only reinforces his standing as an underdog but also aims to humiliate him to everyone who’s watching. Ted has a wonderful monologue as he steps up to throw his last 3 darts in an attempt to win the game and the bet.
Guys have underestimated me my entire life and for years I never understood why – it used to really bother me. But then one day I was driving my little boy to school and I saw a quote by Walt Whitman, it was painted on the wall and it said, ‘Be curious, not judgmental.’ I like that. So I get back in my car and I’m driving to work and all of the sudden it hits me – all them fellas that used to belittle me, not a single one of them was curious. You know, they thought they had everything figured out so they judged everything and they judged everyone. And I realized that their underestimating me – who I was had nothing to do with it. Because if they were curious they would have asked questions. Questions like, ‘Have you played a lot of darts, Ted?’ To which I would have answered, “Yes sir. Every Sunday afternoon at a sports bar with my father from aged 10 until I was 16 when he passed away. Barbecue sauce.
- Ted Lasso
Yes – that last line, barbecue sauce, is meant to be in there.
Ted, throughout the monologue, throws exactly what he needs to win. Of course the crowd erupts and our underdog is victorious. It’s the sort of thing that gives you chills. It’s one of my favorite scenes and the main line has stuck with me ever since, ‘Be curious – not judgmental.’ How often in life are we thrown into situations where our first instinct is to judge? What if we, instead of judging, chose to be curious. How might that make things different – not only in how we live our lives, but also how we interact with others.
As a parent it’s really hard sometimes to not get caught up in the moment when a child is pushing you to your limit. As a partner, it’s really easy to let our emotions guide us and sometimes let our emotions get the best of us. How often do we tell ourselves a story of what’s going on in a situation that may not be true? We judge and we make conclusions, but what if? What if we chose to be curious instead? How might that situation look different? Perhaps instead of a yelling match with my child I could be curious of what’s going on beneath that yelling and help my child be curious about it as well. Perhaps instead of snapping back at my partner when I feel attacked I can be curious about why what they said struck a nerve so deep that I felt attacked.
When I’m curious I not only allow myself to feel the emotion I’m feeling in a more genuine way, but I also get underneath the emotion to the true heart of it all and in that – the emotion doesn’t overwhelm me. We’ve all had situations where people have made judgments about us that were wrong. If only they’d taken the time to be curious, things could have turned out differently and potentially much better. So I encourage you as we take on life’s challenges and adventures – Be curious, not judgmental.
Warning: Contains adult language.