The Cost of Thicker Skin – Thoughts on Apathy

Within my work a lot of time is spent exploring my clients’ stories. Our lives are made up of countless stories. Stories we tell our parents as children about the things we experienced throughout our day. Stories we’ve amassed over the years that we tell others about our childhood. Stories that we tell our grandchildren about what their parents were like as kids. Stories don’t necessarily define us but they most definitely influence us.

Sometimes the work we do in therapy, however, revolves around unlearning some of the lessons we previously found in the stories we tell. One of the most prevalent stories I hear is the need to toughen up to get through life – the need for thicker skin. This story or lesson comes out of a multitude of situations – highly critical parents or family members, bullies in school, tough teachers, sometimes even hyper self-criticism. More often than not, no matter how it came about, the need for a thick skin tends to have its roots in hurt. When we’re hurt, especially as children, we lack the coping skills to know how to properly deal with that feeling. The hurt becomes overwhelming and when things become overwhelming we tend to act out as a way of coping. For kids this can take the form of unwanted behavior, tantrums, overly-intense crying, etc. The older we get this can look more and more like depression and isolation. Perhaps we get quieter and are less likely to make our voice and our thoughts known. We may get more defensive, even on matters that would not typically be considered a big deal. Ultimately this tends to show in the form of general apathy.

I think a lot of us know people like this. Some describe them as the “strong-silent” type. For some reason I’m always reminded of strong TV or movie dads when it comes to thick skin. The dad that goes off to work each morning without much to say and comes home with even less to say. The dad that you knew loved you but would rarely say it. The dad who was rarely affected by anything anyone said.

My point is not to speak poorly of those who may be this way, perhaps you had a father or a loved one in your life who was like this. The fact is, this way of being serves a very functional purpose. It most likely has worked for that person for a good amount of time and because of that, it would seem unlikely that they would consider any other way of being.

The truth of the matter, however, is that if you’ve developed thick skin – you’ve become very good at not letting what people say hurt you or get in too deeply, but the converse of that is – it’s just as hard to let things come out from you. Developing a thick skin is basically asking someone to numb emotion. Don’t let how others talk to you or what others due to you affect you. That is well and good, but it comes with a simple truth - You can’t numb AN emotion, you can, however, numb emotion. When I numb sadness, I also risk numbing joy.

As humans it’s very hard for us to choose which emotion we’re going to protect from. When we try to numb something specific we typically numb all that goes along with it. When we choose, however, to not only fully feel our emotions, but also choose to not let the emotions drive our behavior, that’s when we typically are at our best. The emotion itself is not the problem, our reaction to the emotion is usually where we find distress. It’s ok for me to be angry, but what do I do with that anger? Do I yell at my family? Do I throw things or hit things? Do I distance myself from those I love because I don’t know how to sit with my anger in a healthy manner? In all these situations I’m not only hurting myself but I’m impacting those I love.

So perhaps our goal shouldn’t necessarily be to develop a thick skin, but instead it should be to develop the tools that help us realize that just because we’re experiencing an emotion doesn’t mean that emotion gets to dictate our behavior. We get to make our own choices in our behavior and we get to decide – in the face of what I’m feeling right now, who do I want to be?

If you’d like to work on developing tools to help you regulate your emotions in a healthy way please feel free to Call or Email or submit a request to Book a Session.

“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.”

― Victor Frankl